ROUGH Draft

3/16/00
I leaned against the bar watching him prepare the martinis for the three women gossiping away in their elevated chairs. I slowly undressed him with my eyes, adoring his muscular structure; off came his shirt, and I drooled at his cut, tan arms and chest. I undid his pants, and oh shit!!!! Ugh, that dreadful disgust was still with me. Just envisioning his penis, I couldn’t go through with it. I quickly threw on his shirt and turned my gaze. I wandered off in thought… Just the thought of seeing a penis grossed me out horribly, and touching one, ugh, never again could I go through with it. I’ve had plenty of men in the past and I never enjoyed any of them, sexually or otherwise. I didn’t understand. Did all women feel this way? Did they hide their disgust just to please their men? I had no idea.

6/21/07
I sat back in my foldout chair in the corner of the crowded field remembering the days when I was confused, or should I say afraid to make a change in the right direction. I looked out amongst the diverse crowd, the vendors, the crowd, the dark clouds rolling in slowly over the ocean from the east. My friends were out amongst the crowd somewhere, but I was in a contemplative mood for some reason, so I just sat alone for awhile, thinking about the past as to cherish this present; for some reason I just couldn’t take any single moment of my current life for granted.

1/19/02-2/19/07
Oh, how I dreaded all of those nights, for approximately 5 years, two relationships altogether. I used to make up excuses left and right, to postpone that dreadful act. My main excuse was not wanting to go on birth control, not wanting to gain weight, so we could only hop in the sack around the time I was expecting my period, or sometimes I would fake that I had my period, other times I would just fake that I was sleeping. And when I could excuse myself no longer I would envision someone else in the bed with me, or turn my head and cry when they weren’t looking. I didn’t want to experiment with positions other than missionary, and oral sex, ugh, no! Sometimes when I couldn’t avoid either I would just pretend as though I enjoyed it or actually cared. I felt like an actress or a robot, or even a blow up doll sometimes. I remember not minding holding them, kissing them, caressing those perfect muscles, but once their clothes came off I felt like running for the door.

6/21/07
I watched all of the types of people there that day and they kept reminding me of the past…the women, all the sporty ones…

6/02/06
I knew I had to make a change sooner or later, I was just so afraid of breaking his heart and perhaps making a decision that wasn’t meant to be made, but this feeling, there had to be some truth behind it, some reason for it, some way to ease it. I couldn’t go on feeling as though I was lying to myself. Feeling as though my life was not fulfilled in the way I knew it was meant to be. I knew I just had to make a change, and so I did. I finally broke up with him. I told him it had nothing to do with him, it was me. He knew before we got together the kind of person I was. I couldn’t drag it on any longer; the longer we were together the harder it would be in the end. I thank god that we’re still able to be friends to this day, best friends at that.

6/21/07
I watched all of the types of people there that day and they kept reminding me of the past…the women, all the sporty ones…Whenever I saw these women when I was younger, (starting at age 10 most likely), the ones that you just knew were gay…oh god, how my chest ached; it felt as though my ribs were being ripped open and my heart was falling on the floor. I longed and longed, wanting them so bad, and knowing I, myself was one of them. But I was so fucking shy to even talk to them, and to do anything else down the road, I just never had enough confidence, especially regarding my body. I had various girlfriends in high school, when I was strong enough to come out of the closet, but they just weren’t the ones for me. The ones that I truly desired, well, they were the ones I just never thought I could have; it just seemed too good to be true, like I wasn’t lucky enough to live that life I wanted so bad to live. My freshman year in college I tried to search in the right places for those girls that were right up my alley. I knew the kind of girl I wanted- sporty being the most important factor. So where did I go that semester? To the basketball games on campus. A lot of straight chicks played soccer, but I knew that most of the basketball and softball teams were gay, and since it was the Fall, I headed to the gym every night there was a home game. I would just sit at the top of the stands with a book on me, or homework. I barely watched the game, I just watched the girls. I believe there were only two white girls on the team, everyone else was black, but black girls didn’t turn me on, and the two white ones were just not my style, a little too butch or something. I kept going back game after game though, hoping there’d be someone there who wasn’t there last time. And after I gave up hope I still went just to scope the crowd hoping I’d find Miss Right. Too bad I never found her.

6/21/07
We were at Asbury Pride that day, me, my girlfriend, and my huge new group of friends I made that year. I loved it. I felt so at home, so at peace with myself, like I could finally breathe, knowing that after feeling like a god damn cuckoo bird all my life, that the closet door was shut and locked forever, and I was standing outside…so proud and comfortable to be what I always knew I was- a lesbian, loud and clear.