Is this any better? I'm starting to think this would be better for the memoir...oh, I'm so confused :o(
“Outside”
By: Jamie Jenkins
“How am I supposed to take you seriously Jam? I mean you’ve been with guys ever since I can remember. You’ve talked about girls in high school and here and there, but you’ve never had anything serious, and after freshman year at William Paterson you were with Joe and then Roe. I hate to say this, but I think it’s just a phase. A lot of girls do this, either because they want to stand out and be different, or they’ve just met the wrong guys and assume all guys are bad...”
“Oh my god…” I cut in, mentally exasperated. “Just let it go, I don’t want to talk about it.” I really wanted to scream ‘It’s not a fucking phase! Almost all lesbians are confused as they’re growing up. Society says girls are supposed to like boys and that’s what they start out believing. I love to love and be loved; when there’s no females around, well, the males are the only ones there, so even though I don’t want them, I go for them. I’m too shy with the other lesbians I actually find…I don’t know what to say or do. I’ve made mistakes, but I know who I am, what I feel, and what I want! It’s not a god damn phase!’ It made no sense to others, but to me, it was as simple as that, which is actually something not simple at all, especially when someone else’s heart is involved.
We were driving back form the mall, getting Christmas presents for whoever popped in her head. She was so bad at planning and it never crossed her mind to write lists. I brought up to her how I made a profile on Yahoo Personals and how happy I was about it, hopeful that I’d find some females because I couldn’t seem to find any at school or in town, one of the main reasons I stayed with Roe for as long as I did. She thought it was a joke, bringing on that mini lecture, or what I always saw as a lecture, not a conversation.
We had just left he mall when the other 20 things popped in her mind that she had to do—the drugstore, picking my brother up from CCD, stopping at ShopRite. I just sat there, quiet, letting her mind roam like it always did, and then letting my mind roam as it always did, the main reason why we barely ever communicated.
I’ve learned to give up on this argument. There was no being right with my family, about anything. Even though I knew I was right half the time, and with this situation, I knew how I felt. There was no getting through to them or anyone else for that matter that thought my ever-changing sexuality was a joke. I hated trying to prove myself to other people. In the past, yes, I was with guys. During that winter, yes, I was with Roe. And who would believe me when I said I was a lesbian, having a boyfriend by my side? Everyone else thought that confusion was a ‘phase,’ but no; I knew it wasn’t a phase.
I knew ever since I was younger that I had a strange (or it was strange then) attraction for certain females. They were always the sporty ones, and I knew instinctively that some of them were like me. I had relationships with guys, but never have I ever enjoyed being with a guy, but I was always too shy to be with a girl and at such a young age, other girls didn’t understand themselves yet, so I was stuck. I was the first one to come out in high school. I got picked on so bad I had to leave, but when I came back senior year, there were so many lesbians; my old friends who I knew were gay were finally out of the closet. I had three girlfriends that year, but the relationships were nothing too spectacular, I don’t even think I kissed any of them.
I remember every time I saw a lesbian, for years; it gave me this intense longing inside that is still almost indescribable. I don’t know…it felt as though my ribs were being ripped open and my heart was falling on the floor, begging for them to pick it up and give me the strength to follow them into their fold of society, putting all anxiety behind. I had this feeling the most when I was with Roe, and I knew I had to straighten things out soon…there was this burning inside me, this yearning. I couldn’t turn it off. It kept me up all night and kept me drifting further and further from Roe.
Two weeks from Christmas I finally spotted a girl on Yahoo who lived only five minutes down the highway, unlike all my other “matches” who lived over an hour away. She was my age; I wasn’t too fond of her appearance, but I figured why not contact her? Maybe she looks better in person. I got a hold of her through email and she invited me to this lesbian club called L-Bar. Little did I know it was right around the corner from my house. How I never knew it existed is still beyond me.
I was with Roe that winter, almost two years into our relationship. Before he met me I was an all out lesbian, about the fifth time I’ve come out of the closet. He knew I was gay when he met me, but after the first night of us hanging out (staying up all night long, talking up a storm in my bedroom), well I kind of fell for him, and he already had a crush on me. At first things were decent in our relationship, and I was even trying to get myself to believe my desire for women was just a phase, but then the feelings and dreams I had in past relationships with guys crept op on me again. I dreamt about women every night. Whenever we made love I envisioned a woman and I hated sex with him, not him in particular, but I dreaded that scary thing that hung between his thighs. I would even cry sometimes during sex, knowing I didn’t want it, I didn’t like it. I wanted a woman. I craved what was between their thighs, what existed in their minds, so feverishly it seemed like a dream that would never turn into a reality.
Roe knew about my sexuality and even game me ‘permission’ to be with females. That’s why I didn’t feel so bad about setting up a profile on Yahoo or meeting Michelle at L-Bar that Saturday night…
I remember being so nervous that night. I didn’t know what to expect and because we met on a dating site, I didn’t know if she was considering it a date or was interested in me at all like that. It wasn’t so bad though. She wasn’t flirtatious with me and she had some other friends there that lightened the tension. There were girls that definitely caught my eye. It wasn’t that busy that night, but Michelle said there was usually more people, but because of the holidays people were probably busy or on vacation. I didn’t dance at all; I’m always too shy when in a new environment or around new people. This one chick Jen tried getting me to dance. Jen, someone I never thought (that night) would turn out to be one of my good friends today.
Shortly after that night I made a MySpace account and made so many friends (mostly lesbians) in the next few months. I started going to L-Bar every weekend and the Colosseum which is down the highway form my house and Circuit in
Sometime in early March I broke it off with Roe. I just couldn’t do it any longer, pretend that I was into him, romantically and sexually knowing deep down inside, so deeply and strongly, that I was meant to spend my life with a woman, not a man. The break up killed him, which killed me, but I had to do it, otherwise it would only hurt him even more if I dragged it out any longer. He envisioned a life for us, and it shattered his dreams. I had to give him time after the relationship to adjust before being able to maintain a friendship. He was so awkward when we were together. His awkwardness made me feel awkward, and his sadness made me feel guilty about being so elated and just…free. He’s gotten better these days though, and I consider him my best friend.
Between then and now, I’ve had two girlfriends. I totally though I was in love with those two girls, but I think I was more in love with the idea that I had a girlfriend, not a boyfriend; that I was doing what felt right, and followed my heart. But they weren’t the ones for me. Now I’m just trying to be patient, waiting for that right one. I can picture her so clearly, and when I see her I’ll know who she is.
These days I constantly remind myself of the past as to not take my current life for granted. I remember the days when my closet door was closed and I was inside; I remember the days when my closet door was open; I remember the days when my closet door swung back and forth; and now I can’t thank god enough for giving me the courage to shut that closet door forever, and stand outside of it, proud, anticipating that woman I’ve always known I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.
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